Looking for a new employee? Got a vacancy you just can’t fill? We will scour the world for a suitable monkey to meet your needs. Below you can read about some of the monkeys we’ve found for our existing customers. If you want a monkey employee of your own, request one here: Request Your Monkey Now
Exfosilia helps a couple of confused looking monkeys across the road...
Introducing:
Exfosilia
Job Title/Description:
Holding an oversized metallic lollipop whilst supervising smaller monkeys crossing a busy high street at peak times. Will be required to wear a hi-vis jacket (provided) and leather chaps (not provided). An awareness of basic Road Safety is a must.
Employer:
Road Crossing Solutions
Background:
Exfosilia is from the lazy but incredibly tough Caboobu tribe of monkeys that dwell in the dense Badubu jungle. The Caboobu are renowned for their huge build and a single Caboobu monkey can comfortably take on a couple of gorillas in a fight….providing that it can be bothered to fight.
Exfosilia left the Badubu jungle when he fell asleep during a period of deforestation and failed to wake up. The lumberjacks believed him to be a huge igneous rock and exported him to a theme park in Florida where he was employed as a large static rock amongst a botanic garden display.
CV:
Due to his lazyness, Exfosilia is only suitable for employment to do jobs that require minimal movement. Until recently he worked as a nightclub door monkey. If someone’s name wasn’t on the list they most definitely weren’t going in. His booming voice can be heard up to a mile away. He’s taken on a huge number of jobs in the past. A year ago he was used to plug a hole in a dam in the Rocky mountains and was also used to stop rioting at a recent G8 summit.
Exfosilia has a vague sense of road safety and knows some of the Green Cross Code. He’s been hit by motor vehicles over three hundred times but he’s never sustained an injury. The vehicles however have all been written off. He has a short fuse, often caused by his anguish over deforestation. This is illustrated by his low tolerance of high polluting vehicles. He can crush a car in to a cube with one hand.
Uniform:
Exfosilia will be happy to wear a high visibility jacket…..that is as long as you can find one in his size. He chooses not to wear leather chaps however this may be negotiable. Although his fur is highly water resistant he requests the supply of a small cap to wear in order to boost his sense of civic pride and professionalism.
Location and Start Date:
He’s currently working as monkey ballast on a large super tanker sailing across the South Atlantic Ocean, but once the ship docks in Cape Town he’ll be available (subject to a suitable crane being found to lift him).
Vencoco Charms a couple of kitties....
Introducing:
Vencoco
Job Title/Description:
To Ensure the noisiest cat in the world is kept quiet during sleeping or working hours.
Employer:
The Erica Arms
Background:
Vencoco hails from the dry hills of North Africa, from the largely unknown Tunier tribe of cat-herding monkeys. Vencoco learned the art of cat-herding from a very young age as the Tunier tribe are nomadic monkeys that constantly move their herds of cats in search of new pastures. Some say that they have mystical powers that enable them to hypnotise felines…
CV:
Vencoco is well-suited for this role. During the winter months she has long shaggy hair which is perfect for encouraging cats to snuggle up and fall asleep. Please note that she malts each Spring in order to leave her with short hair in time for the hot North African summer. This can be very messy and is unfortunately unavoidable even if she is in milder climes.
Vencoco plays an out of tune violin to charm cats and once this half-hour long process is complete the cats in question will be under her spell and silent for up to six hours at a time.
Until recently she worked in a famous travelling circus, but was forced to leave after a high profile Lion-mauling incident. During the act a banana thrown from the crowd distracted her at a crucial point of her lion-charming. With the hypnosis broken the lion rampaged in to the crowd with tragic consequences.
Uniform:
Vencoco requires a red Fez hat as part of her uniform, but will supply her own mystical out of tune violin. She does, however, require access to, and the use of, a camel at all times. One hump or two, she has no preference.
Location and Start Date:
Vencoco is willing to work outside North Africa, the Mediterranean, or the Middle East, but will require her living quarters to be maintained at a constant 32 degrees celcius. She has recently returned to North Africa to assist with the annual cat migration season but will be available from next month.
Important Note:
The Monkey Recruitment Agency does not recommend the use of Vencoco for managing cats bigger than a Lion cub.
As part of our drive to improve the service we provide, we’re introducing pictures of newly recruited monkeys at work, rather than the previous pictures of the monkeys themselves. We hope that you find them useful…..!
Meckolas
Introducing:
Meckolas
Job Title/Description:
Environmental Management
Employer:
Frederick County Government
Background:
Meckolas hails from the Eastern Mediterranean, where monkeys are extremely rare to find living in the wild. He was an only-monkey, born with no brothers and sisters. Having no brothers and sisters to play with, he became a spoilt child and grew increasingly disruptive as he grew older. When he was captured and placed in to a zoo he incited a riot in the monkey enclosure, necessitating the arrival of riot police to restore order.
CV:
Meckolas understands the importance of managing the environment, and he does this by disrupting human activity. On many an occasion he’s caused a blockage in public toilets by stuffing used banana skins into the pipework. This once caused a stream of effluent to flow through the city of San Francisco and sparked a public health scare. He believes in destruction rather than construction. He tackled the issue of urban sprawl in the Rocky Mountain region by deliberately causing several avalanches which wiped out new human developments. He also successfully stopped overgrazing around the South American rainforests by releasing rabid wolves into the landscape, which went on a rampage and killed significant amounts of livestock. Meckolas can use all forms of heavy machinery and is self-taught in the use of explosives. He only has one arm though after his third home-learning detonation went wrong.
Uniform:
He wears a construction hat at all times - he is very conscious of health and safety. He carries a pencil behind his left ear. He no longer carries dynamite around with him in his pockets after the “Redrock Canyon” incident.
Location and Start Date:
Meckolas is currently trying to stop flooding in the Ganges River Delta and will be available in three months time to start work in Frederick County. He requests his own office, with three phones, two desks, a fridge, a dishwasher, cable TV and a pet mouse called Kevin.
Moreton
Introducing:
Moreton
Job Title/Description:
Cell phone game tester
Employer:
AQ inc.
Background:
He was born of a long distance romance between a japanese Oni-chi monkey and a Siliconea monkey, which is a rare native of silicon valley. The two met on the internet, and have shared a hard drive since 1999.
CV:
His experience primarily focuses on the function testing, and his unconventional approach has earned him a deserved reputation for robustness. He likes to test software usability by chewing a phone, a An example of this was that once a phone is swallowed, the user cannot progress beyond level 3 of Mario Brothers.
Uniform:
Moreton always wears a white shirt and red tie. He usually has some ball-point pens in his top left pocket, one behind his ear and one in him monkey mouth for chewing.
Location and Start Date:
Moreton will be downloaded to your office as soon as he comes online. However, the company must have monkey-downloading facilities and a blank monkey carapace for him to occupy. He prefers a larger monkey- carapace with long hair, and stipulates that the gender must be male. He also requests that the previous user of the carapace has treated it safely and hygienically. Important note: please ensure that the previous monkey has been entirely deleted from the monkey- carapace memory banks, as we have experienced some corruption issues with Moreton in the past. If he considers the carapace to be substandard (ie. teeth missing, limbs not working) then he will upload back to the Chimpage server, and the employment contract be terminated.
Gertie
Introducing:
Gertie
Job Title/Description:
Feet washing, Getting the remote
Employer:
Lazy Guys & Co
Background:
Gertie is a rare antarctic monkey, abandoned by her mother in the subzero temperatures and raised by a particularly caring emperor penguin called Colin. In such a harsh environment, Gertie learned the importance of saving energy by not moving for weeks on end. Gertie also learned how to catch fish in pack-ice environments. This proved useless when she was taken by an explorer back to Chicago, where she lives in a penthouse apartment.
CV:
Gertie worked briefly as a manicurist at a top Chicago health centre. However, she was sacked when a bizarre incident occurred – she ate three toes of a woman who was having her toenails painted. After several months of litigation Gertie was able to escape justice by settling out of court. Gertie is excellent at washing feet as she utilizes various towels and scrubbing brushes. However, to ensure there is no repeat of the toe eating incident, anybody having their feet washed needs to ensure that they distract her by dangling a small sardine on a fishing line when they sense her attention span weakening. Gertie is also able to retrieve remotes from lounge areas within a thirty feet radius and within 12 seconds from the order being given. Gertie is also able to act as a footrest (though ensure you are wearing shoes or socks to cover your toes!).
Uniform:
No uniform is required, however Gertie wears two large coats at all times due to the emotional scarring that took place when she was exposed to the cold as a youngster.
Location and Start Date:
Gertie is available to work anywhere during the summer months, but is only able to work in winter where the average temperature doesn’t drop below 2 degrees celcius.
Akjhaly
Introducing:
Akjhaly
Job Title/Description:
Sexy International Jewel Thief’s Assistant - A monkey assistant who will be treated well and get a fair share of my looting gains. He will have to wear a humorous tuxedo though, heh heh
Employer:
The Jewel Thieves Plc
Background:
Akjhaly means in his native tongue ‘Oh Holy Being of the Darkest Night, How Death Stalks Me Through The Wilderness Of The Soul And Sings Christmas Carols To Me on a Tuesday.” He belongs to the savage nocturnal monkey tribe of Karimbishi, it 3 foot tall, 3 foot wide and has long black hair all over his body woven into small dreads. He also has only one eye.
CV:
Until recently he was a pirate, but having interviewed him, The Monkey Recruitment Agency is confident that he demonstrates the care and subtlety required for international jewel thievery.
Uniform:
The client must supply the tuxedo and Akjhaly retains the right to refuse should its humorous nature be detrimental to his long-term career prospects..
Location and Start Date:
He will meet the client at 23:00 tonight on the roof of Guildford Marks and Spencers.
Ashburton
Introducing:
Ashburton
Job Title/Description:
Work as a butler .
Employer:
Dead Wrong b0b
Background:
Ashburton was born into a long line of monkey butlers dating back to Edwardian times, when monkey butlers were the norm in middle-class homes. His posture and appearance are impeccable. He is exceptionally tall for a monkey at 6 feet and one inch tall. His three brothers were monkey butlers until they were made redundant during the Great Monkey Butler Depression of the 1910s. Now aged 106, Ashburton could be considered a rather rare, “vintage” butler. He wears a monocle and has rather distinguished grey hair. He wears a top hat and when outdoors always carries an umbrella.
CV:
Ashburton worked in some of the most elegant and affluent homes of the early 20th Century. He can carry up to 48 plates to and from the dinner table at any one time. He can polish eight pairs of shoes simultaneously by using his feet and tail. During his working life he has been able to master the art of sleeping whilst being awake, thus ensuring that he is always available for his master or mistress.
Uniform:
He still wears the original uniform he was given 100 years ago when he started work. Such is his care for the garment that it still looks brand new. If you were to take the uniform away from him you would be taking away his soul.
Location and Start Date:
Ashburton is ready to serve you immediately and his bag is already packed. Please make sure there is space under the stairs for him to use as his butler-quarters.
Limpete
Introducing:
Limpete
Job Title/Description:
Purchasing manager, doing also operational work like disposition and purchase of investments. Being able to motivate colleagues…
Employer:
M-Real Zanders
Background:
Limpete is a Swedish monkey who was born a mere twenty-five years ago into a large family of monkeys. The family trade was fishing, although this is irrelevant.
CV:
Limpete entered the workplace at the age of eight, becoming an apprentice in a carpet factory. She thrived in this textile based environment and helped secure record profits for the firm, and was found not guilty at the subsequent fraud trial. Limpete is extremely active and has a high metabolism, causing her to run amok in some social situations due to excessive energy. She uses her large nostrils to sniff out bargains and is very industrious in the office as she has mastered the art of signing contracts with her tail, allowing her to multi-task by typing up reports at the same time. Limpete is highly skilled at motivating colleagues. She was once able to persuade a member of staff to hand deliver a carpet to Siberia by offering him the use of a company bicycle on his return. He didn’t survive the journey, subsequently saving the firm from continuing to pay his high salary. Limpete also motivates staff by having a weekly “office olympics” where staff compete in photocopying, filing and other usually dull jobs. This usually increases productivity 234% and staff are always pleased to receive their nickel-plated medals at the end of the week.
Uniform:
Limpete will only wear a suit. No negotiations.
Location and Start Date:
Limpete is available in one month as she needs to give notice to her current employer. Limpete demands a six figure salary, a company car and share options. She is available for work in North America and Northern Europe only, unless the salary is increased four fold. She also requests access to the company helicopter at weekends. If you don’t have a company helicopter, it’s suggested you get hold of one quickly….
Chicky Chicky Chumbumbo
Introducing:
Chicky Chicky Chumbumbo
Job Title/Description:
Graduation from an accredited college or university with a bachelor’s degree in planning or related degree. Several years of professional experience preferred. Municipal planning experience preferred. Prior grant administration and/or writing experience is a plus. Excellent organizational, financial, and communication skills.
Employer:
Highland Council
Background:
Chicky Chicky Chumbumbo or ‘Jim’ for short, was sent to a strict boarding school at the age of 4 months old. There, he underwent an intensive learning experience, where he was only given food once he had achieved 100 per cent in his exams. This has shaped him into somewhat of a perfectionist and he is prone to panic when things fail to go…perfectly. He hoards food at every opportunity, which his psychiatrist says is due to his childhood experiences.
CV:
Chicky’s excellence in the field of education has meant that he has achieved 16 different degrees, of varying types. He has so many academic letters after his name that his bus pass is a metre long and he has to keep it down his trousers. He can communicate in 58 different languages, including Welsh and Japanese. He is also able to communicate in Semaphore, which his friends ridiculed until he put the skills to use in averting a major shipping disaster whilst on holiday near the Suez Canal. He has previous municipal planning experience from when he designed Cludforth New Town, although this was a complete planning disaster after he panicked and made some miscalculations that caused the houses to be built 40 per cent smaller than they should have been. Although the houses were used in a Hobbit inspired Hollywood feature film, they later had to be demolished and Chicky was the victim of a high profile sacking.
Uniform:
Chicky is always dressed impeccably and dusts himself down every 3 minutes.
Location and Start Date:
Since being sacked after the Cludforth Incident, he is currently living as a hermit on a remote Scottish Island. He will be available once he has been tempted out of retirement with large quantities of free food. Alternatively, for an extra fee, arrangements can be put in place to have him kidnapped and brought to you directly.
