General Chimpo is a huge fan of television soap operas. So much so, in fact, that he forced the nation’s television networks to air a soap opera called Chimpenders that he writes, produces, directs and stars in. He plays all of the parts, even the part of a small dog.
Critics universally panned the series for its ridiculous plots and low production values, or at least they did until General Chimpo had them all put in prison. Now that they’ve been released (and been threatened) they applaud the ‘creativity from the writer and the Oscar worthy performances by all of the actors’.
Government viewing figures claim that every person in the country tuned into last night’s episode, where Mrs Chimponi (played by General Chimpo) discovered that her 14 year old daughter (played by General Chimpo) had fallen pregnant to her boyfriend (also played by General Chimpo). In a further twist, their pet dog Dennis (played by General Chimpo) was nearly hit by a car only to be saved at the last moment by General Chimpo (playing himself).
General Chimpo is currently filming the next exciting episode. Rumours suggest that the final scene will involve General Chimpo (playing himself again) rescuing a family (all played by himself, naturally) from the jaws of a hungry crocodile. It’s not been confirmed yet whether General Chimpo will be playing the crocodile too.
In a shock revelation it has been revealed that the Eurozone sovereign debt crisis has been caused by a Chimp. A Freedom of Information Act request, submitted by Chimpage, has revealed that the crisis was caused by a chimp named “Maurice” who was on work experience at the EU Finance Ministry.
Prone to boredom when his potassium levels drop (as a result of banana withdrawal), he went on a spree of moving decimal places on documents within the finance office. He also borrowed, on behalf of Spain, Greece, Italy, Ireland and Portugal billions upon billions of Euros of extra loans which he used to fund huge banana prospecting expeditions in the Sahara Desert. The expeditions failed to find any bananas, and Maurice plunged the Eurozone countries in to debt.
The crisis was undetected whilst Maurice worked at the Ministry and was only discovered many months later when he had moved jobs, working in a car wash in Bogota. He is currently being extradited to face charges.
This week General Chimpo announced to the world that his beloved nation, Chimpanzania, was going to launch a rocket in to space. The mission, which is the first for the newly formed Chimpanzanian Space Agency, would place a satellite in to orbit to enable General Chimpo to spy on Hollywood celebrities from the comfort of his own palace. It would also be a sneaky way of seeing if he could build a rocket powerful enough to hit the President of Chimpongo’s beloved greenhouse and ruin his chances of winning the Chimpongo in Bloom competition.
Predictably the launch didn’t go to plan. The third-rate scientists General Chimpo had hired filled up the rockets fuel tanks with diesel instead of the high grade Nitrogen Tetroxide they needed. The rocket he’d bought turned out to be a rusting standby prop for the film Apollo 13, and admittedly he’d built the satellite himself in his shed during his spare time.
The rocket blew up on the launch pad, destroying with it the newly built flagship Space Agency Headquarters (which was a second hand shed previously owned by General Chimpo himself). General Chimpo, who was watching from the shed, lost his eyebrows in the explosion.
Speaking to his citizens he has vowed to not let this setback stop the great country of Chimpanzania from joining the space race and vowed on national television to colonise Jupiter by February 2013.
It’s awfully lonely being a beast that roams the woods, moors and fields, all of the time trying to avoid human contact and find food. It’s finally started to take its toll on the Chimpling and last week he realised he’d started talking to himself (or grunting to be exact) . To combat the loneliness he was feeling he found an old scarecrow in a field and decided to carry it around with him as a friend. He decided to call it “Grumblar”.
The pair went on several adventures. The Chimpling took Grumblar to the seaside, where they built a sand cave and paddled for a while. Disaster was narrowly averted when Grumblar nearly floated away. He then took Grumblar out on the moors where they had a lovely picnic, eating raw rat and dandelions, and then they set off to find a nearby farm to pick up some sheep for supper.
Unfortunately a rambler spotted the pair descending from the moors and contacted the emergency services to report that a wild beast had snatched a human being and was carrying him/her back to its lair to eat. Judging by the ragged clothing and straw like appearance the rambler reported that the person was probably a hobo.
The authorities soon attended the area and a marksman fired some shots at the Chimpling which missed and blew the head off Grumblar. The Chimpling was forced to flee with the remnants of Grumblar, and after shedding many a tear over the destruction of his companion he buried Grumblar near his cave. Now he’s alone again.
We’re receiving unconfirmed reports that a chimp has infiltrated Downing Street and sneaked in to the Prime Minister’s personal toilet, carrying a custard pie. The Prime Minister, who was ‘engaged’ on the toilet at the time screamed to alert his security guard whilst the chimp simultaneously slipped on a wet surface and accidentally threw the custard pie in to his own face. Temporarily blinded, the chimp grappled with the Prime Minister in an attempt to maintain balance before falling in to the toilet head first.
The Prime Minister is reported to be unharmed, albeit slightly shocked by the events. The chimp was detained by the Prime Minister’s private security detail and driven away at speed in a van. It’s unclear what the chimp was intending to do with the custard pie, however all visitors to Downing Street are now being searched for custard pies using specially trained sniffer dogs, trained to recognise a wide variety of custard recipes.
Successful billionaire Lord Chimpgar didn’t start life with a fortune waiting for him. He’s had to earn it.
When he was 8 years old he was given a bunch of mouldy bananas by his grandfather. He traded those bananas for a rusty wheelbarrow a friend from school had found in the woods. Using that wheelbarrow he began to collect dog poop from the streets around his neighbourhood. Some residents applauded his efforts and gave him some pennies. Other residents thought he was a strange boy.
After many successful wheelbarrow trips he was able to upgrade from dog poop to horse poop and bought some manure from a local farmer, which he then delivered door to door. By the age of 9 he would be a multi-millionaire, owning a vast network of sewage works and a multinational investment bank.
His meteoric rise continued, despite nearly making himself bankrupt after setting up Chimpstrad computers. His idea of an o-pad and o-phone was too far ahead of its time. That and the fact that they were rubbish and never actually worked.
Lord Chimpgar is currently looking for investment opportunities.
Last night Tom opened his front door and found on his doorstep a very large cardboard box with a rusty padlock securing it, and a rusting key taped to it. Tom shut the door and went back to playing Pro Evolution Tiddlywinks on his Xbox. After several hours of intense online Tiddlywink action against a chap from North Korea called “Kim J” , his curiosity got the better of him and he went back to his doorstep and used the key to open the padlock.
Opening the cardboard box in great anticipation, he was baffled to find another box inside it. This time it was a plastic box, with a shiny new padlock on it. There was another key attached to it, so he used that one to open it. Inside the cheap plastic box was a crude wooden box, with a lock built in to it. He opened it and found a metal box. After opening another fourteen boxes, in a similar sequence, he found an ornate, golden box encrusted with glittering jewels.
Upon opening this final box, he found a large jewelled Faberge egg. As a child he’d been given many Kinder eggs that would contain a toy inside, so he smashed the egg on a brick wall and was dismayed to find that it did not contain a rudimentary plastic toy. It was empty. He put the remnants of the egg in the trash and went back to his Tiddlywinks simulation.
The Chimpling has been experiencing a harsh winter. In fact, temperatures near to his lair have dropped to -30 and all of his usual food has been frozen solid in ice. No amount of sitting on it with his hairy bottom will thaw it out.
Although the Chimpling can survive for up to 40 minutes without food, it’s forced him to take radical action and sneak in to urban areas at night in search of tasty snacks.
Yesterday he was lucky as he found a discarded sofa in a backstreet. It was a useful source of ruffage. He followed the meal up with part of a wardrobe, and a rusting bicycle, although the bell on the bike caused him quite a bit of indigestion.
He also managed to eat three of his five a day of humans, which his mum would be pleased to hear about. He could get used to life in the big city…….
Dr Chimpkopf has been trying to take part in the SETI project in an attempt to find extra terrestrial life. He’s rigged up several old satellite dishes, antennae and aerials to detect signals from other advanced civilisations in the universe.
He’s also composed his own message so that other life forms will know of the existence of humans. His message consists of him singing a sea shanty that he wrote himself, a review of the film Happy Feet 2 (he saw it today) and the audio from an episode of Coronation Street.
Unfortunately something went badly wrong when he beamed the message out and instead of it being received by extra terrestrials it was actually received by his ex-partner, breaking the non-molestation order that was in place. Dr Chimpkopf will be in court next week to answer the charges.
Captain Chimpface and Bosun Smugchimp decided to spend Christmas and New Year in the pirate playground of the Chimpibbean Sea. Unfortunately they never made it to their destination because whilst Captain Chimpface was asleep, and Smugchimp was at the wheel, the stupid Bosun took a wrong turning at the Chimpazore Islands and instead sailed south towards Chimpaguay.
After sailing around in circles for several days, completely lost, they came across a life raft floating in the middle of the ocean. The pirates immediately fired their cannons at the raft and initiated a boarding action. They were disappointed to find that the raft contained several reindeer and a bearded fellow wearing a strange red costume.
He seemed pleased to see them, although that only lasted briefly until Captain Chimpface press ganged the chap as a galley slave. The captain told him to get down to the galley straight away and rustle up some reindeer sausages, before swabbing the decks, repairing some of the topsails and scraping some of the barnacles off the ships hull.
Captain Chimpface and Bosun Smugchimp could finally relax in the knowledge that they’d managed to get themselves a holiday after all.
