Dr Chimpkopf has been trying to take part in the SETI project in an attempt to find extra terrestrial life. He’s rigged up several old satellite dishes, antennae and aerials to detect signals from other advanced civilisations in the universe.
He’s also composed his own message so that other life forms will know of the existence of humans. His message consists of him singing a sea shanty that he wrote himself, a review of the film Happy Feet 2 (he saw it today) and the audio from an episode of Coronation Street.
Unfortunately something went badly wrong when he beamed the message out and instead of it being received by extra terrestrials it was actually received by his ex-partner, breaking the non-molestation order that was in place. Dr Chimpkopf will be in court next week to answer the charges.
Captain Chimpface and Bosun Smugchimp decided to spend Christmas and New Year in the pirate playground of the Chimpibbean Sea. Unfortunately they never made it to their destination because whilst Captain Chimpface was asleep, and Smugchimp was at the wheel, the stupid Bosun took a wrong turning at the Chimpazore Islands and instead sailed south towards Chimpaguay.
After sailing around in circles for several days, completely lost, they came across a life raft floating in the middle of the ocean. The pirates immediately fired their cannons at the raft and initiated a boarding action. They were disappointed to find that the raft contained several reindeer and a bearded fellow wearing a strange red costume.
He seemed pleased to see them, although that only lasted briefly until Captain Chimpface press ganged the chap as a galley slave. The captain told him to get down to the galley straight away and rustle up some reindeer sausages, before swabbing the decks, repairing some of the topsails and scraping some of the barnacles off the ships hull.
Captain Chimpface and Bosun Smugchimp could finally relax in the knowledge that they’d managed to get themselves a holiday after all.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Or at least that was the case until Father Chimpmas scrambled out of the chimney and was ambushed by two pit bull terriers who set about him as if he were a joint of beef. Father Chimpmas tried to fend them off with a Christmas Barbie and Peppa Pig dressing gown, but he was taken down by the beasts.
After his reindeer had rescued him from the clutches of Terminator and Tiddles he returned to his mammoth round of global present deliveries. His failure to seek medical treatment soon came back to haunt him when he passed out from blood loss over the South Chimplantic Ocean and crashed. The children of Chimpaguay and Chimpazuela won’t be getting any presents this year.
Father Chimpmas’ preparations for Christmas took another dramatic turn today when two of his elves were caught in his new automated wrapping machine. One of the elves lost an arm and the other is in a critical but stable condition in hospital. He managed to bribe the inquiring Health and Safety Inspectors by offering to remove them from the “Naughty List”.
It turned out this was the straw that broke the back of the Elf Union, who were already lobbying Father Chimpmas for a pay rise and improved working benefits. They’ve all gone on strike.
Father Chimpmas is going to employ Rudolph and the other reindeer as strike breakers. It’s not going to be pretty. When those elves are on the receiving end of a reindeer antler or two they’ll be scrambling back to work.
This week Steve has been competing in the annual North Pole Polar Bear Triathlon. The premise is simple. Competitors sky dive out of a plane at high altitude strapped to an angry baby polar bear cub. The cub has the parachute so competitors must somehow get the ‘chute off them prior to pulling the rip cord.
Once on the ground each competitor must strap the cub on to their back before swimming for their lives through a freezing cold ice flow chased by an angry mother polar bear who wants her cub back. Finally, the competitors must climb out of the water on to a small piece of floating ice to face the cub’s father. Around his neck he has the champion’s trophy and the potential winner must box and wrestle the bear to claim the trophy.
Steve was in the lead when he reached the final stage but was floored by a vivacious swipe from papa bear. Fortunately just as the bear was about to maul his leg the second competitor arrived, distracting him. Twenty three competitors later the bear was finally stunned by Sven Chimpsen who lifted the trophy for the second year running.
Times are hard for Father Chimpmas, particularly with the uncertainty affecting the Eurozone, where most of his investments are. It’s meant that he’s had to moonlight as a department store Father Chimpmas. As if the job wasn’t embarrassing enough, he had to audition against several other candidates, some of whom didn’t even have a beard. He only got the job because the first choice got arrested for shoplifting on his first day at the store.
On Father Chimpmas’s first day he had to promote a ’Breakfast with Father Chimpmas’ session. Admittedly he enjoyed his full English breakfast with the extra bacon and fried bread, but then he had to sit among the pine trees for three hours trying not to sneeze whilst all the children demanded he put very expensive presents under their trees. As the day rolled on the feature became ‘Lunch with Father Chimpmas’ and finally “Tea with Father Chimpmas”. He was stuffed, but there was still a long line of children to see. Just as Father Chimpmas was getting up to welcome one of the final children in to the grotto disaster struck. The buttons flew off his tunic faster than bullets from a rifle, hitting waiting children in the face. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his trousers fell down to gasps of horror from the waiting parents. There were sirens, police cars, a cold police cell waiting for him, interviews under caution and the baying media waiting for him outside the station. Fortunately the authorities realised that this was an unfortunate occurrence, but it’s been another PR disaster for Father Chimpmas.
Dr Chimpkopf hates his arch-nemesis, Professor Chimpenheimer. In fact, he hates him so much that he devoted his last two months to building a robot to destroy him. Using the parts of other discarded robots along with an old VCR, he created his mechanical assassin, named “Keith the Killerbot”.
He immediately sent Keith around to Professor Chimpenheimer’s home address, armed with a meat cleaver (and dressed as a butcher so as not to arouse suspicion).
Keith was late reaching Chimpenheimer’s address because his navigational processor was an antiquated Sat Nav. Dr Chimpkopf wished he’d downloaded up to date maps from the internet. No matter though, for Keith had still made it to his target address. Keith used his mechanical arms to reach through the letterbox and open the door. It was at that moment that all communication with Keith was lost. Dr Chimpkopf cursed himself for using an old Pay as You Go mobile for his communication system, and also for failing to top it up.
The only way to find out if the mission was a success was to actually attend Chimpenheimer’s address himself, so Dr Chimpkopf cycled around and prepared himself for seeing the bloody scene as he looked through the window. He could imagine the horror. He gasped as he gazed in. He did not see a total bloodbath. He saw Keith wheeling in a freshly cooked fish supper for Professor Chimpenheimer, before promptly vacuuming the floor and dusting some ornaments. He also gave him a massage.
Chimpkopf slapped his own forehead several times in despair. Instead of the military drone processor he’d bought on the black market, he’d accidentally inserted the processor from a discarded Japanese home help for the elderly robot. “Curse you Chimpenheimer! Curse you Keith!” he shouted as he jumped back on his bike and cycled furiously away, narrowly missing a cat…..
Christmas is coming and up in the North Pole Father Chimpmas is struggling to meet his tight deadline. In the old days his elves could knock out beautiful wooden toys all day long and everyone was happy. They could even make most of the toys the night before Christmas. The kids of today though want mobile phones and other complex devices. Father Chimpmas doesn’t even know what an Xbox 360 is, let alone how to build one.
He sent several of his elves to University to learn about electronics, but they got thrown off the course when Father Chimpmas couldn’t afford the high tuition fees. Last Christmas he focused his production on making iphones, but the elves made them out of wood and by boxing day he was already getting death threats from angry parents. Perhaps he should retire after all and go and open that pizzeria he’s always dreamed of.
“I woke up to dense grey clouds today, a sure sign of a storm. I found it strange because I was actually in my bedroom at the time. I soon realised that I’d been smoking my pipe in my sleep again. Should have left the window open. Anyways I digress. I looked out to sea today and saw a family on a yacht waving to me. A nice family they were, so I waved back. They kept waving, and no matter how much I waved back, they wouldn’t stop. After half an hour of waving I thought they were taking liberties so I shook my fist at them in anger. It was only then that I realised they were waving for help because the swell was taking them on to the rocks. It was too late mind, nothing I could do about it by then. Smashed to pieces that boat was. God rest their souls. “
It was unusual for someone’s head to come off mid-way through a keel hauling. Then again, it wasn’t normal to keel haul someone whilst in a dry dock, but Captain Chimpface and Bosun Smugchimp were in a hurry. The one eyed, one-armed Captain of the ship (an Admiral no less) had point blank refused to handover his vessel to the two pirates and had even declined to speak or look at them. It was only after his head fell off that they realised he was a waxwork mannequin.
Unperturbed the pirates flooded the dry dock and set sail out in to the harbour. There were several security guards stood on the quayside shaking their fists and running around in a panic. Bosun Smugchimp looked particularly smug as he surveyed the new ship. It was huge. It had 104 guns. Captain Chimpface had never had a ship with that many guns. It didn’t have a suitable name for a pirate ship though. “HMS Victory” just didn’t sound fearsome enough, so they renamed it “The Smelly Sue”. Captain Chimpface sometimes felt he lacked imagination as he tended to rename all his ships the Smelly Sue. The real Smelly Sue had clearly left an indelible mark on his soul.
Once out in to the harbour the two pirates struggled to sail the monster ship, so quickly boarded a boat giving harbour tours and press ganged 14 cub scouts and a group of 20 grannies in to their crew. The cubs were great when it came to clambering around the rigging, the grannies less so, so Captain Chimpface instead asked them to make some nice tea and scones. Very nice it was too.
Captain Chimpface and Bosun Smugchimp were finally back in business, and he was sure that nothing could stop them now. Not even the nuclear submarines and three destroyers pursuing them from the harbour.
