Chimpage

Welcome to Chimpage, the A to Z of Chimpanzees!

The Greek Marathon Chimp is so named because every day it runs a distance of exactly 26 miles and 385 yards for no apparent reason. Some say that it was actually the Greek marathon Chimp that gave the Marathon its name and distance, and not Pheidippides’ exploits.

The Greek Marathon Chimps habitat has been put under pressure from urban development and nowadays it struggles to complete its daily run. It’s forced to run through urban areas, where it often falls prey to vehicles. It’s death rate from Road Traffic Collisions is higher than any other animal, including hedgehogs.

The Greek Marathon Chimp can be identified by its wild, spiky yellow hair on its head….and by the fact that it spends most of its time running.

The Holy Grail. Desired by the good, desired by evil minds. Dreamt about by the already rich, held in awe by the poor. Thrown in to the sea by a Chimpanzee.

For centuries explorers, archaeologists, organisations, governments,  have all lusted after the Holy Grail.  What hasn’t been known until now was the fact that the Grail was found by a medieval chimp named Chimpbert. Chimpbert was a trainee knight, struggling to learn the basic arts of swordsmanship in King Richard IIs army. After a particularly unsuccessful afternoons duelling with his arch rival Chimpry, he went for a walk along a Sussex cliff top path to vent his frustrations. After much pacing about and muttering under his breath he tripped over, cutting his head painfully on a sharp piece of rock. When he examined what had made him trip up he saw that it was a rather ordinary looking golden cup. Thinking that it was a worthless piece of old Norman junk he tossed it over the cliff in to the crashing waves of the English Channel, never to be seen again.

Chimpbert never made a success of his careeras a knight and ended up becoming a rather average monk with an interest in small trees.

The Ecuadorian Fire Chimp has an obsession with fire from its birth and is the arsonist of the animal world. Some say that the Great Fire of London was started by a bored baby Ecuadorian Fire Chimp brought back from the New World. 15% of all cigars are smoked by this species of chimp and 75% of all forest fires are started by these creatures. The fire brigade remove over 1500 fire chimps from British homes each year as a safety precaution.

Ecuadorian legend says that these chimps are born in volcanoes, however recent scientific research confirms that they are born in the treetops of the rainforest.

This species of chimps is easily spotted by its ginger hair.

The Christmas Truce of 1914 is famous for the reports of football played between the British and German troops stationed on the Western Front. What isn’t commonly known is that the football game on that day was started by chimps.

Chimps had been pressed in to service on both sides to sneak in to No-mans land (originally called No-chimps land) cut barbed wire and throw smelly socks in to the opposing trenches. On Christmas Day several of the chimps got bored and decided to wander in to no-mans land kicking a football. Within minutes troops from both sides were having a game of football, which rumour has it the Germans won on penalties.

The game was such a success that the chimps organised a league to be played between the German and British troops. Unfortunately there were that many teams that there was severe fixture congestion, with numerous games having to be played mid-week. The league was a roaring success and some of the German troops even started to construct a rudimentary 3,000 capacity stand in no-mans land for spectators.

Unfortunately the high command on both sides were not very impressed when they found out about the league (possibly because they’d not received invitations to the executive box?). Apparently the football got in the way of killing each other, especially when a transfer system was introduced between both sides. The league fixtures couldn’t be accommodated (even with a winter break) and neither could the proposed knockout cup competition one of the chimps wanted to introduce. Sadly the football finished and the pointless slaughter re-started.

Before the age of Sat Nav poor motorists had to rely on paper maps, and quite understandably it was quite difficult to read a map and drive at the same time. Some people tried to do both, but soon accumulated a lot of elderly people in their radiator grill.

In order to address this problem Brian Kenley invented the “Chimp Nav”. The concept was quite simple. He bred chimps and sold them as navigation devices. The chimps were trained to sit on car dashboards and by reading the map for the driver, able to provide clear directions. Accessories were available in the form of a rucksack filled with maps, which the chimp could wear and thus provide a larger range of directions. Similar to the fad of different Sat Nav character voices, different costumes could be bought where the chimp could take on the form of characters from film, television and literature. The Sherlock Holmes Chimp Nav was particularly popular, although the deer stalker hat often fell off and the car would fill with smoke from the pipe.

Unfortunately the project was doomed to fail because the chimps could not be trained to speak English and instead gurned forlornly at the confused driver.  Different chimps had different temperaments. The bad chimps would pick their nose and flick the contents at the driver, or snap off the gear stick in a fit of rage on the approach to a sharp corner in the road. Others would relieve themselves in the cup holder or glove compartment. The mild mannered and helpful chimps were not much better. If they didn’t fall off the dashboard they would try to read the maps but struggle to communicate the intricacies of the route ahead. They would gesticulate wildly and point frantically at the windscreen without passing on any relevant information. They would also jump ship at the merest hint of an imminent Road Traffic Collision. It is no surprise that Brian Kenley was declared bankrupt six months after he started his business, especially after his Ape Nav version for Truck drivers met with tragic consequences.

Weather chimps were first introduced in Britain in 1973, to great fanfare and hype. The benefits were obvious, so the TV executives said. The chimps would analyse weather data 24 hours a day and be able to provide constant up-to-the-minute weather updates. No more rained off picnics, barbecues or sports events. Ice cream vendors would at last have something to celebrate.

All did not go well though during the trial phase. In fact, it was a complete disaster. Although initially smartly dressed and smiling for the cameras, it was clear that the chimps had a poor grasp of meteorology. Furthermore, one of the chimps began to eat one of the weather maps, chewing and spitting out the Outer Hebrides. He then smeared his own faeces across the map live on television, causing a national scandal which led to several executives losing their jobs. The trial was naturally abandoned.

In 2004 a Satellite TV station launched its own chimp weather channel, seemingly oblivious to the disaster that had struck before. All went well initially, until three chimps ran riot in the studio, throwing a stool through the electronic screen and swinging their genitalia in front of one of the live cameras. They then re-routed the channel to show constant repeats of Chucklevision before throwing all of the cameras out of a first floor window. The channel never took to the airwaves again.

Arizona in the 1880s was a dangerous place full of desperadoes. Few people know that the fastest gunfighter in the West was actually a Chimp. Johnny Chimparl was a migrant from Europe who headed west to seek his fortune. He was undefeated in over 80 gunfights and was famed for being able to take on three opponents at a time single handedly. His human opponents always underestimated him, as his hands stayed deadly still as ‘draw’ was about to be shouted, and Johnny instead slipped his pistol out of his holster using his tail. 

Unfortunately Johnny’s downfall came when a local barman started selling Banana flavour whiskey. Johnny had never drunk alcohol before and it hit him hard. Whilst drunk he challenged a lampost to a gun fight, drew his weapon, fired and the ricochet mortally wounded him.  He remains a legend in the West.

The Tokyo Night Chimp is a species of chimp that lives on the outskirts of urban areas of Japan. Identifiable by its thick dark fur and large eyes, it is a nocturnal chimp that sleeps during the day and sneaks in to urban areas after nightfall.

Such is the stealthy ability of these chimps that they are rarely seen, and those that are spotted are often mistaken for bearded hobos. Historically it was believed that the chimps entered urban areas for food, but recent CCTV footage has shown chimps using swings on childrens’ playgrounds, riding around in shopping trolleys and re-setting roadworks. Although partial to leftover takeaways they enter the city for their own leisure.

A study be Dr Wakabyashi of Tokyo Central University has suggested that 75% of Tokyo residents have walked past one of these chimps in the street at night without realising.  The Japanese military have tried to use these chimps for their stealth ability, but the chimps kept disappearing off in to local towns and villages on night time exercises and the experiment was abandoned.

The Newquay Swell Watcher Chimp can be found in the South West of England, with the highest concentrations around the small seaside town of Newquay. For hundreds of years the chimps have been seen to sit on rocks and stare endlessly at the swirling sea crashing against the rocks at their feet. To this day you can see the chimps on most afternoons, through the mist, sitting peacefully on the rocks.

No-one knows why they have such a fascination with watching the Sea, especially as they can’t swim, don’t eat seafood and often get swept to their deaths off the rocks in stormy weather.

Since the late 19th Century they have been used as lifeguards on the Cornish coast, maintaining their round-the-clock vigil out to sea and screeching to raise the alarm if they see someone in peril in the swells. 

Sadly tourism has changed their way of life and many of these chimps are bribed with bananas to act as towel holders and surfboard waxers for tourists out enjoying themselves on the beach.