Chimps of History #1 Boogles the Spitfire Pilot

March 16th, 2013 The Chimpfather No comments

Boogles

At the peak of the Battle of Britain, the RAF suffered such a shortage of pilots that they had to resort to extreme measures in order to maintain their pool of trained aircrew. In an experiment, they trained a circus chimp named Boogles to fly Spitfires. The training was intense and only lasted a week, with Boogles being sent straight in to action.

Within his first week in combat Boogles became the highest scoring fighter ace in RAF history. Unfortunately each one of his 93 “kills” was an aircraft from his own side. In the rush to get him trained, no-one thought to show him which aircraft he was supposed to shoot down and which ones were his “friends”.

Boogles also failed to win friends at the Air Ministry when he got a rush from eating too many bananas and strafed the Annual Air Ministry Harvest Festival, destroying the entire produce of Air Vice Marshall Keith Park’s much admired allotment.

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OCHIMPICS #2 Athlete arrives in Wrong City

July 25th, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

Chimpolian

Chimpolian athlete Gilbert Chimputu was left embarrassed today when he realised that he’d travelled to the wrong city for the Ochimpic Games.  Chimputu mistakenly travelled to Chimpjing, the city that last hosted the Ochimpics four years ago. He realised his mistake when he turned up at the ‘Athlete’s village’ only to find that it has since been turned in to a chemical factory. He is now on his way to Chimpdon, the correct city….

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OCHIMPICS #1 Security Shambles Solved

July 23rd, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

Ochimpics Reporter

Before they even began, the Ochimpic Games courted controversy after the shockingly slack security arrangements were exposed by the media. The organisers of the games, CHIMPCOG, had relied on a single security firm named CHIMPS4S to provide all 10,000 security chimps for the event.

Of the 10,000 security chimps promised, only two ’security operatives’ turned up, and one of those was actually a sniffer dog named Cuddles, who later turned out to be a cat.

After colossal public pressure, CHIMPCOG solved the problem using some imaginative solutions:

- Mirrors and cardboard cut-outs were carefully placed at all entry points to make it appear that there were more security staff than there were

- All visitors to the Ochimpic Park were given a free jacket to wear, emblazoned on the back with the word “Security”

- Security staff were ordered to shave various bits of their facial hair of to make it look like they were more than one person. Female security staff were told to wear fake moustaches.

- A coach load of visiting nuns were temporarily press ganged in to forming a “Rapid Reaction” security team, although they refused to use the nunchucks provided.

After these measures, the chairman of CHIMPCOG declared these games to be the “safest ever”. Five minutes later the Daily Chimpgraph newspaper revealed that it had just smuggled in to the park a fully assembled surface-to-air missile. Chuckles the cat, who licked the missile during the search process, has since been fired.

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COMING SOON - The 2012 OCHIMPICS

July 4th, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

OCHIMPICS 2012

Chimpage is excited to announce that it has secured exclusive rights to cover the 2012 OCHIMPIC GAMES.

We will be reporting each day from the games, from 27th July 2012 up to the closing ceremony on 12th August 2012.

Chimpage is the only place to visit for this exclusive coverage, so make sure you visit every day during the games, including following our Twitter feed for behind the scenes gossip and news (Use the hashtag #OCHIMPICS)

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General Chimpo #11 Chimpenders

May 14th, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

General Chimpo

General Chimpo is a huge fan of television soap operas. So much so, in fact, that he forced the nation’s television networks to air a soap opera called Chimpenders that he writes, produces, directs and stars in. He plays all of the parts, even the part of a small dog.

Critics universally panned the series for its ridiculous plots and low production values, or at least they did until General Chimpo had them all put in prison. Now that they’ve been released (and been threatened) they applaud the ‘creativity from the writer and the Oscar worthy performances by all of the actors’.

Government viewing figures claim that every person in the country tuned into last night’s episode, where Mrs Chimponi (played by General Chimpo) discovered that her 14 year old daughter (played by General Chimpo) had fallen pregnant to her boyfriend (also played by General Chimpo). In a further twist, their pet dog Dennis (played by General Chimpo) was nearly hit by a car only to be saved at the last moment by General Chimpo (playing himself).

General Chimpo is currently filming the next exciting episode. Rumours suggest that the final scene will involve General Chimpo (playing himself again) rescuing a family (all played by himself, naturally) from the jaws of a hungry crocodile. It’s not been confirmed yet whether General Chimpo will be playing the crocodile too.

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Breaking News #2 Eurozone Debt Crisis Caused by Chimp

Breaking News

In a shock revelation it has been revealed that the Eurozone sovereign debt crisis has been caused by a Chimp. A Freedom of Information Act request, submitted by Chimpage, has revealed that the crisis was caused by a chimp named “Maurice” who was on work experience at the EU Finance Ministry.

Prone to boredom when his potassium levels drop (as a result of banana withdrawal), he went on a spree of moving decimal places on documents within the finance office. He also borrowed, on behalf of Spain, Greece, Italy, Ireland and Portugal billions upon billions of Euros of extra loans which he used to fund huge banana prospecting expeditions in the Sahara Desert. The expeditions failed to find any bananas, and Maurice plunged the Eurozone countries in to debt.

The crisis was undetected whilst Maurice worked at the Ministry and was only discovered many months later when he had moved jobs, working in a car wash in Bogota. He is currently being extradited to face charges.

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General Chimpo #10 Ground Control to General Chimpo

April 13th, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

General Chimpo

This week General Chimpo announced to the world that his beloved nation, Chimpanzania, was going to launch a rocket in to space. The mission, which is the first for the newly formed Chimpanzanian Space Agency, would place a satellite in to orbit to enable General Chimpo to spy on Hollywood celebrities from the comfort of his own palace. It would also be a sneaky way of seeing if he could build a rocket powerful enough to hit the President of Chimpongo’s beloved greenhouse and ruin his chances of winning the Chimpongo in Bloom competition.

Predictably the launch didn’t go to plan. The third-rate scientists General Chimpo had hired filled up the rockets fuel tanks with diesel instead of the high grade Nitrogen Tetroxide they needed. The rocket he’d bought turned out to be a rusting standby prop for the film Apollo 13, and admittedly he’d built the satellite himself in his shed during his spare time.

The rocket blew up on the launch pad, destroying with it the newly built flagship Space Agency Headquarters (which was a second hand shed previously owned by General Chimpo himself).  General Chimpo, who was watching from the shed, lost his eyebrows in the explosion.

Speaking to his citizens he has vowed to not let this setback stop the great country of Chimpanzania from joining the space race and vowed on national television to colonise Jupiter by February 2013.

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The Chimpling #6 You’ve Got A Friend Called Grumblar

April 9th, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

The Chimpling

It’s awfully lonely being a beast that roams the woods, moors and fields, all of the time trying to avoid human contact and find food. It’s finally started to take its toll on the Chimpling and last week he realised he’d started talking to himself (or grunting to be exact) . To combat the loneliness he was feeling he found an old scarecrow in a field and decided to carry it around with him as a friend. He decided to call it “Grumblar”.

The pair went on several adventures. The Chimpling took Grumblar to the seaside, where they built a sand cave and paddled for a while. Disaster was narrowly averted when Grumblar nearly floated away. He then took Grumblar out on the moors where they had a lovely picnic, eating raw rat and dandelions, and then they set off to find a nearby farm to pick up some sheep for supper.

Unfortunately a rambler spotted the pair descending from the moors and contacted the emergency services to report that a wild beast had snatched a human being and was carrying him/her back to its lair to eat. Judging by the ragged clothing and straw like appearance the rambler reported that the person was probably a hobo.

The authorities soon attended the area and a marksman fired some shots at the Chimpling which missed and blew the head off Grumblar. The Chimpling was forced to flee with the remnants of Grumblar, and after  shedding many a tear over the destruction of his companion he buried Grumblar near his cave. Now he’s alone again.

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Breaking News #1 Custard Pie Security Breach

March 13th, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

Breaking News

We’re receiving unconfirmed reports that a chimp has infiltrated Downing Street and sneaked in to the Prime Minister’s personal toilet, carrying a custard pie. The Prime Minister, who was ‘engaged’ on the toilet at the time screamed to alert his security guard whilst the chimp simultaneously slipped on a wet surface and accidentally threw the custard pie in to his own face. Temporarily blinded, the chimp grappled with the Prime Minister in an attempt to maintain balance before falling in to the toilet head first.

The Prime Minister is reported to be unharmed, albeit slightly shocked by the events. The chimp was detained by the Prime Minister’s private security detail and driven away at speed in a van. It’s unclear what the chimp was intending to do with the custard pie, however all visitors to Downing Street are now being searched for custard pies using specially trained sniffer dogs, trained to recognise a wide variety of custard recipes.

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Lord Chimpgar #1 Bananas to Riches

March 8th, 2012 The Chimpfather No comments

Lord Chimpgar

Successful billionaire Lord Chimpgar didn’t start life with a fortune waiting for him. He’s had to earn it.

When he was 8 years old he was given a bunch of mouldy bananas by his grandfather. He traded those bananas for a rusty wheelbarrow a friend from school had found in the woods. Using that wheelbarrow he began to collect dog poop from the streets around his neighbourhood. Some residents applauded his efforts and gave him some pennies. Other residents thought he was a strange boy.

After many successful wheelbarrow trips he was able to upgrade from dog poop to horse poop and bought some manure from a local farmer, which he then delivered door to door.  By the age of 9 he would be a multi-millionaire, owning a vast network of sewage works and a multinational investment bank.

His meteoric rise continued, despite nearly making himself bankrupt after setting up Chimpstrad computers. His idea of an o-pad and o-phone was too far ahead of its time. That and the fact that they were rubbish and never actually worked.

Lord Chimpgar is currently looking for investment opportunities.

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